Mia’s Fears

Coach asked me today why I was holding back, what is it I feared?

“Losing. It’s simple I don’t wanna lose. Why would  I train this hard and for so long if all I’m gonna do is lose”.  Stupid question, he must’ve seen the thoughts cross my face cos then he said  “Mia, don’t be afraid of your potential”. In my head I was thinking “what the fuck” and he must have read that too because I didn’t have a chance to reply.

“Just think about it”. And we were back into training.

So, I’m thinking about it. Why am I holding back? I know I can be the best so what’s up with me? Then…all these memories came flooding into my head, moments from my life where I had failed. Failed to speak up for myself, failed to help or step in, failed to be a fighter, failed to make my brother proud and that was it.

Everything went in slow motion, and I’m crying. Stupid uncontrollable crying in the street, and I’m searching every pocket to find a tissue, a used one even and then I use my sleeve. Come on Mia you’re 27 and you’re crying over stupidness. Fuck this shit, the only person you have to make proud is yourself, now get it together and fight. Fight to win.

Upstart – Mia’s sprint

My time of the morning, cool crisp wind in my face. No fucker bothering me or pushing me to challenge myself.  A few familiar faces pass, we do what we always do, jog by without acknowledgement. Sunday, my day, my time. Church day, their time. He’s praying for me,  gotta push my brother outta my head. Mia – this is your time!

Tune – “you better lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it…”

I wanna try some MMA, soon. The fight will be over soon. “Mia, focus. This isn’t just any fight, this is a fight that could change your career, take you to another level”. Do I care? Really, do I? Course, I wanna win…come on Mia no complaining. “You’re lucky, you’re good”. So, what I know I’m good. Don’t get arrogant, why fucking not! I’m not saying I’m the best, but I know I can be.

Fucking doooog, can’t you see I’m running. Why stop here, you fucking little shit! “Sorry”, I wanna kick your ass right now and your fucking stupid little yappy gremlin. Ahhh my knee. Breathe, its fucking hurting, not another injury. “Fucking dog, put it on a leash on next time”. My opponent is staring at me with those disapproving but up for the challenge eyes, my pride already on the floor, walk away Mia, walk away…aaaaaahrrrrhhhhhhh!

Maria thanks the Eminem ‘Lose yourself’ lyrics. Great track to work out to!

Upstart

‘Upstart’ is the name of my short film, it’s about a female boxer who lives in the shadow of her brother’s success as a former boxer. Mia is seeking to find who she is and where she fits in the world.

Who am I? Well, I am Maria Thomas. I’m an Actress, Producer, Writer and a lot more like most people. I have so much passion about life, learning new things, discovering new places, listening to new people even the ones that annoy you. You can find my Producer page on Facebook, under Maria Thomas and I will shortly begin a page on ‘Upstart’.

‘Upstart’ is written, co-produced, co-directed and starring me. If you going to do a first project, you may as well do it all.

How did this idea come about? I did a play about a girl called ‘Cutter’, which is also the title of the piece by Sean Burn. Cutter begins the play at the age of 8 and by the end is 18yrs. During the play she confronts bullying, racism, self-harm, loss of her Mother and then during the play the loss of her Grand Father. The piece is about a journey of self discovery and independence which is why I was drawn to writing a short film with similar themes.

This is the adult version and finally deciding on the lead character’s name Mia, I am about to blog about her journey week to week, maybe more but in character. So this is where Maria ends and Mia’s journey begins.

Today is jus one of those days, it’s naggin me, this pain in my fucking hand. Fucking injuries jus won’t go away. I wanna go home, I just want to say “fuck off, I’m done” but I know his gonna gimme that look. Arhhh….just don’t look at me like that, I don’t need a guilt trip, I don’t need the talk, I need a f…king night off. He doesn’t have to stay every night…but he does, perfecting his techniques, his moves, waiting for his moment, not mine.  I don’t wanna be a fucking puppet…

“4 jabs, come on, stop thinking. Bam Bam Bam Bam. 8 jabs, Bam…”

I’m so fucking tired and it shows. I see his disappointment, he would not have given up, he would not have shown weakness. I muster whatever energy I have, “again, come on again”, I say and I see his fired energy ignited. Sometimes…I hate you brother.

It’s a start into the mind of Mia and the back story to the film. Thank you for reading and maybe follow the journey in future.