The Soul Journey

Today marks the end of 100 days Sober challenge and I ask myself what have I learned, observed, has there been some life changing moment or knowledge and wisdom that I can share with you?

Every experience is different and the journey personal. I thought I might blog or vlog regularly about not drinking but actually when it came down to it, I asked myself why I needed to stop? I chose to join a friend in her journey and my partner joined me in solidarity. Thank you to both.
Choice is the key word here. I forget sometimes that I have a choice in everything I do and how I feel, it’s not down to to the external world. That can have an impact but how I respond to it is what matters.

I enjoy a great glass of wine or prosecco and more recently have found a delicious gin, on an evening this has been my release, my “go to” when life has got stressful or an adjunctive to winding down on an evening. It was my dose of numbing the pain, separating the emotional burden or heaviness of the moment or an excuse to forget the past.

I didn’t have any expectations going into this, friends said I would feel good in myself, others sent love and support. Thank you all. I really never thought deeply what it would mean. Did I miss drinking? Occasionally. Did I crave other things? Savoury and sweet, but always had a sweet tooth. Do I feel better within myself? Definitely!

What are the positives?
The most eye opening for me is how much clarity my mind feels and how my learning and absorbing information has altered. I haven’t felt this level of distinction for a while. Learning and listening has been freeing rather than weight bearing.

Emotionally, I feel everything, how painful situations can be but it’s not unbearable. Some situations are impactful and my Dad’s dementia and changing behaviour is something that affects my day to day. Caring for him on this level is difficult, and even though I am responsible for my feelings, there is always going to be a trigger. Navigating through this situation is a day at a time and there is no easy answer.
My emotional outlet has been greater, I cry, I let it pour out and I believe it’s because I’ve previously denied myself to feel, I desensitised myself to hurt or I didn’t feel comfortable in releasing as it made others uncomfortable. I realised this denies who I am and I don’t want to ignore or suppress who I am because who I am, matters and how I feel is valid.

My training is so much better, my confidence in being able to spar in a Muay Thai session (as a beginner) is something I never thought I would see myself do. My coordination is better, my body is definitely healthier and I am listening to what it’s asking of me daily; food, drink and rest.

I’m also less irritable, less spiky and and willing to see life on a wider scale rather than having my “all knowing ego” talking. Ha!

What are the negatives?
My sleep has been poor and that is down to worry and stress.

What next?
Back to drinking? Well, the man made Mead. Lol. Alcohol from spring water and honey fermenting in natural yeast. I look forward to a sip more than a gulp.

“They” say you can form a new habit in 30 days, you can if there’s a habit you’re ready to let go of to replace with a new one.


Fire up and fuel my anger with words

unashamed, actions of no thoughts

excuses unabashedly a slap of audacity

Water not the words of devaluation

with tired words of so called evaluation

isolate me with time not mine to be had

scar the memory of will so unwilled

lash each syllable at my heart so full of honest love

innocent love truthful love. Use, useful or just used.

you ponder not the pain you cause

the hurt you inflict, inconsiderate selfish…

give back the time that should be mine

to grow, to fill with happy times, memories of new

You anger me to sleeplessness

incite physical oppression to aggression

turn infliction to contradiction confusion all consuming

words and actions generate usefulness

when needed.

Go forth, go to, just go!

Return when time has healed itself

return when care has entered your single-minded thoughts

return when mental astuteness aligns

itself with a higher self and not a

tired unrepenting excused ego self – unknowing yet knowing

contradiction lies deep within so-called wisdom.

A poem from 2016 I never published.