Hello Mum,

Hi Mum,

It’s been over ten years since I physically hugged you, spoke to you and saw you. I can still smell your scent when I smell perfumes, Poison or Givenchy. Even the smell of Frankincense reminds me of the essential oils you use to use in our old house.
I see your face, expressions in people that I meet, reminding me that you are still here. I hear the songs you loved and know that you are near.
I still hear your laughter in my head, I still see the red lipstick you wear, the bright colours of dresses and shirts you would wear. Jeans were never part of your wardrobe and I always admired that the colours you wore suited you every time.
I loved that you would ask friends to make your clothes for you, they were unique like you, as were your headscarves. I remember the gold necklaces, earrings, jewellery you wore, you were never scared to wear them. You were fearless in so many ways and adventurous. You will never know how much of me is you.
I remember your dreams and stories were filled with worry and caution. I wish I had known more about your life in Mauritius and what had really brought you here, what were you leaving behind and how easy it was to let go.
Like many a better life for your children, a new dawn and hope for the future, a home to call yours and a family that were solid. I wish I could tell you how I live my life now, how I hope you would be proud of me, seeing me happy and with a very different life you were part of. I struggle Mum, there are so many things I didn’t expect, so many revelations and expectations. I struggle with not hearing your support and compliments, negativity is a bitter pill to digest, there’s so many side effects.

I remember the day after you died, I heard you call my name so loudly as a whisper in my ear so closely that I had to look around. It was the name you called me by, not my given name. And I remember feeling my heart beat so fast like I had had an electric shock.
I know you are here with me every day and when I really need you, I see you in my dreams. The last dream was not too long ago, and I remember us catching up about what has been happening in the world, us laughing together, and when it came to saying goodbye. We hugged several times before we said goodbye. I could smell your scent of Frankincense, feel your cool, soft cheek next to mine and feel the tears rolling down my face.

Until we next meet.

In the grand scheme of things…

Well, the last 12 months has been an eye opener of familial life, career, bullying, patterns of life, responsibilities and all the past memories or experiences I have gone through and still go through.

There are some memories I cannot wipe away but manage them on a day to day, month to month basis. Some memories like tonight, where I look at the clock at 12:20am and remember on this New Year’s Eve like every other for the last six years; you are no longer in my life. I cannot celebrate another year with you, go shopping with you, tell you about all the exciting moments in my life or share the partner in my life with you. We are no longer a family unit because the glue that held us together is no longer there.

We may have argued, hurt one another, spoken harsh words but isn’t that what everyone goes through, isn’t that normal? All those memories where I rebelled against your beliefs and wisdom of experience. When I thought I was right and you were wrong, when everything you had been through in life was for our/my benefit, but I couldn’t see through that as a child as a teenager and sometimes as an adult.

I remember many things like your red lipstick, your smile, your infectious laughter. I remember the brightly coloured clothes you wore. I remember you always wore skirts and dresses and dressed well even going shopping. I remember your colourful head scarfs and your Harrods bag that you took with you to work. The tea I would make for you in your flask, the cakes you bought home at 4pm from work as you loved afternoon tea. The family get-togethers at Christmas for afternoon tea at Harrods, it became traditional in our house. Chicken Biriyani, my favourite meal. The birthday parties and the mean cocktail punches everyone got drunk on. The people whose lives you touched and whom loved you dearly. You had a big, generous heart where you gave without a thought to yourself and you welcomed everyone in. I hope this is where my qualities come from, a part of you.

In the grand scheme of things, I suddenly realised “why am I sweating the small stuff, because it’s all small stuff?”. Why have I not lived life to full capacity and how did I become so constrained with how I navigated it. I vowed to myself, I would live each moment with fun, love and an open heart! If situations hurt or pained me then this journey of life is where I need to grow, develop, evolve and I will never stop any of those things. In the grand scheme of things, I’m alive and have every moment to create and be happy in and only I can choose that for my path. So, onwards to the next chapter of life and wherever you are, I love you Mum. You will always be in my heart and soul.