2020-Tired and worn out

When I was in Thailand this time last year, I thought I was recharging my batteries for a new year ahead, 2019 had already been a stressful year combating the changes of an elderly parent with dementia, and battling with various services to listen and help. I had a vision of 2020 being the year of being able to travel to another unknown, an exploration of new terrains where I could feel the sun on my face, learn about a new culture and unlock a different part of me. But 2020 has been just as stressful if not more due to Coronavirus. I’m not complaining about the pandemic and the ways in which it has changed the way we live possibly forever. I’m talking about the side effects, the curve ball, full on in your face, ripple, emotional and physical effects. This is what is going to live with us long after some “normality” is resumed.

I am so f**king tired. There are days when I cannot think, I don’t want to speak, I cannot breathe. My partner and I have been talking about “joy” and “light” recently and to be honest, it’s f88king hard to see any of those things when you don’t have the energy to find your way out or lift yourself up. If I’m honest, I am not really sure how my partner has stayed with me for so long, it feels like an endless road of sheer relentlessness of shit.

All the effin positivity, motivation, all the Deepak meditations, breathing, and training I am doing at the moment is not helping my well-being. All the self talks, tools, coping mechanisms have fallen by the way side and I don’t know how to get back on track. I don’t want to do another zoom workshop, I’ve just taken an extra week off work to have three in total and all the admin I’m doing isn’t mine. Now, I sound resentful and gawd dammit I am, I just want to be able to book myself into a hotel by the sea, feel the sand beneath my feet, the sun on my face. I can’t even do that. It’s so grey here. London, I love you but you need more colour in more ways that one.

How can I be strong for myself, my partner and parent when I don’t have enough energy for me? Why am I complaining, why am I ranting? I have a job when so many have lost theirs, I have a partner when so many don’t, I have my Dad where so many don’t. I have a warm flat, clothes, food when many live on the streets. Am I complaining about first world problems, am I ungrateful, do I need to do a daily gratitude diary, am I selfish for ranting? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe it’s all relative?

Are we not allowed to feel this way? Are we not allowed to talk about the difficult times, or do we feel being human is not allowed. No one wants to hear the dark times, the down in the dumps, really shit times. I hear more often we are in control of how we feel. We have a choice to pick ourselves up, no one or thing has the power over us unless we allow them or it. True but we all allow it to at some point. We’re human. Even the rational side of my mind turns itself off, even my feelings say “f**k off”, even my body says I’ve had enough. Is this depression, is this me just being low and irritable, not enough sleep since March.

I know I’m not the only one. Hang in there.