What if…

This blog has been in the making for three weeks, I’ve edited it, re-edited it, the new draft didn’t save and with so much happening politically at work one’s perspective has been affected.

So, without further ado, two things have been on my mind recently due to being ill (the mortality clock starts ticking, let alone the biological clock) and a video I watched on youtube. I thought I would attempt to tackle both in the same ‘What if’ scenario as they are connected.

The first scenario is ‘what if’ I had two days to live (ok most people have one in their scenario, but this is mine and I am feeling generous) what would I do? Well for a start, I wouldn’t sleep, why would I sleep or as some people would say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead”. (Whoever invented that saying should be shot!) I would spend time with loved ones and friends. Now, being a generous, loving person (modest too) I considered I’d make amends with people whom I’ve had tiffs with in the past…and then I thought fuck it, why would I waste time and energy on those who didn’t give a shit about me. Besides, how do you heal that baggage over hours if you couldn’t do it when you had days and weeks, I wouldn’t want anyone feeling sorry for me and I certainly would want to be two-faced. Instead, I would spend it with those whom I loved.

I would make films, short ones and post them on fb, twitter, LinkedIn (my legacy…ha ha ha). I am now filled with awe and wonder at the different spaces/places in London (or wherever I decided to live out my final hours) to visit. I would ask those whom I love to share the journey, even for an hour, just be with me. (Would I be disappointed at those who couldn’t be there? No, life is a journey and it evolves, adapts, grows and my path isn’t for everybody. It doesn’t mean they don’t care or don’t love me, but ego would have to STFU as there wouldn’t be time or room for both of us).

I would want to wake up in a swanky hotel, have sex in a King size bed and have everything on the breakfast menu (even if its to sample pure indulgence, it’s my last moments). I will dip into the Fifty shades of grey…hell yeah, (and more of course) if it was the last time my lover and I would spend together. Most people forget to mention this in their ‘what if’ scenario, but what the hell, these are my last two days on the physical plane, there’s no time to waste on contemplating.

I know at this point of realisation (if not earlier) I have two routes, the “ring of optimism” (as someone recently said so eloquently) or “the ring of pessimism”.  Well, the easy route is to freak out, cry “why me”, allow myself to fall into a state of depression, drink heavily, take drugs (hell I’m going to die anyway) blame my parents; the world for being the cause of this scenario. (Of course we are all allowed our moment of breakdown, hell we are entitled to it and only we can decide how long we allow ourselves to stay there).  And then I would look back at all the amazing things I had achieved in my life so far, all the small moments I wouldn’t even had considered or given much thought to. All the details of life that so many of us miss day to day due to inconvenience or our plain irritations. The rain on my face, a smile from a stranger, the sunshine whilst walking to work during a tube strike, a voicemail that I had saved to hear a loved’s voice, a hand in my hand. The architecture of buildings around me, poems on the underground, posters that made me giggle, street art and sculptures that made me think creatively or inspired me, music on my smart phone that moved me, a street that took me back to my childhood.

Would I go to the gym (being health conscious) probably not, but I would want to do something crazy like bungee jump off a cliff, skydive out of a plane, cut my hair for charity (not the hair, I hear you say) or a dance class that would highlight my hopeless co-ordination.

All I know is that I would want my last moments to be filled with laughter, love and as much happiness as humanly possible until I breathed my last breath because truly I knew this day would come. I just never prepared myself for it or maybe I did but ignored the inner voice because I thought I had more time. (It’s precious and short).

This list would be endless but let’s move onto the second scenario.

What would I do ‘If money was no object’? Hmm all this from watching this link by Alan Watts. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSyHWMdH9gk

What would I do? Well, I would take care of my family first and foremost so they would not need worry about money again, and hope they would live or begin to live and fulfill their own dreams too. (It’s never too late and it doesn’t matter how old you are).

I would share some of that love with my friends, now how I view money as important. (I am about to use a loving relationship with a partner as an analogy – bear with me on this one) As with love for an individual, there’s a respect and understanding but also a journey of discovery and learning along the way.  All the money in the world will not comfort you if you do not respect it or yourself. (Maybe a little far fetched but it was the best I could come up with at stupid o’clock in the morning).

I would wish to take my closer friends on some of the journey with me, maybe a holiday, maybe a yoga retreat, maybe a massive piss up or all of the above.

I thought I would apply for my 01 Visa and do some acting in the states, go across the world, explore different disciplines in each country but I realise I can do this without a Visa and would I really want to settle in one place. LA doesn’t hold the key to the Acting world like London isn’t the be all and end all of the Acting hub. I want to travel the world, learn about different countries, envelop cultures, eat various foods and meet people. I would write stories, poems, create short films and make a feature film of mine and others’ experiences; maybe based on truth or entirely fiction. I would love to dance, try many styles, do more physical theatre. After breaking my ankle and watching the para olympics, I knew nothing was impossible or hold you back apart from yourself. It’s not an easy mental and physical journey sometimes, but everything is possible with adaptation and support!

I would invest in charitable organisations and look at helping people around the world to understand about communication, love, sharing and discover their own talents and abilities but encourage them to take responsibility of this within their country, village, town etc.

I would look into sustainability and apply this to my life, home, career and eat organically from locally sourced butchers, markets or grow them at home. I would spend more time exploring homeopathic alternatives, practices and medicine.

I would continue my love of working with children, teenagers and adults in every capacity and teach drama to instill confidence, communication, self-esteem, belief in oneself and others. These are the legacies I would wish to leave behind and with people who may not be blood related but who are affected by inspirers, role models of their generations and others.

In all of my ‘what ifs’, I always felt I would be more material, want that miu miu purse, the swanky apartment in each corner of the world and not to say I wouldn’t want to be comfortable but it’s not the same “material” I want anymore. How I feel now is immaterial toward objects, things as it cannot teach me, communicate with me, allow me to grow, develop or love me.

If money were no object, would these really be some of the things that I would do? I ask myself, how many of these things am I doing already?  Do I need more time and money to feel limitless in my objectives, dreams or goals or am I negating the truth that I hold the power to take the initiative to implement these ideas anytime; just like anyone else.

“If you build it, they will come” (Field of Dreams – one of my favourite films). What would you do?