I’ve been listening to a number of podcasts over the years, reading material and attending workshops on what it means to be a “Leader”. I thought it meant being in a position of hierarchy in an organisation or institution. I thought it mean a title like CEO, SEO to Head of such and such. I thought it was associated with money and it equated to your financial power on the ladder. And when I think of all theses impositions that Society places on a person to become or attain to, it’s pressure and a set up for feelings or failure and lack of self-worth.

I am sure there are people that do not think this way because that is not how they view their place in society or the world. These people create their own channels, their own hierarchies; their own self-worth is validated by what they give “meaning” to or “value” to. Is this what equates to one’s own values in what they give or do in the world. It is assessed by themselves rather than individuals or people in hierarchical roles?

I feel like I am a “Leader” but why? How can I call myself a “Leader”? Do I lead others? No. Do I manage others? Sometimes. Do I lead myself and navigate the challenges that life throw at me or situations that arise? Yes. Does this make me a “Leader”?…I don’t know.

Listening to others talk about their roles as a “Leader” is defined by the many roles they have been designated in institutions in their life, by choices they have had to make, by juggling personal and work situations, but does these experiences make us or one a “Leader”?.

The question that then arises is “do I see myself as “Leader”? If I cannot answer this question, does this mean I “fail”?. Or does this mean I “pass”?. Do I need to know one hundred per cent? Do I need to affirm to the world “I am a Leader!”. What if I am a “Leader” but do not know it? What if I am a “Leader” but lack confidence and belief in myself? What if I have “imposter syndrome” is this what leads me in my day to day existence and the word “Leader” cannot pass by my lips? Is doubt part of it?

This week I feel weak, I feel I have failed at many things. My patience has worn down, I am surrounded by toxicity that suffocates me. I have been triggered by emotions that I had been denying and suppressing that I cannot breathe with the overwhelming anxiety and heartbreak I feel. A part of me says it’s okay to feel this way and to sit with it even though it is uncomfortable, painful and unbearable. A part of me says why the fuck have I been having therapy for this to rear itself now and not during the last year.

“Process” – everything is a “process. Well fucking hurry up and process the process, is what I say.

I am tired. I am fed-up. I want to step outside of duty because it’s a thankless job and I feel slapped, punched and kicked at every turn. I want to let go of the people that “hate” me and I don’t use that word lightly. For me it’s a strong word but so easily felt from others. My hope is to continue to heal, my heart feels like half of it is numb from all the knocks it has had and the other half is sagging from all the air that normally keeps it pumped with joy and life.

I want a big fat hug, I want to feel the love from that hug, I want it to mean something because I mean something. Does “Leadership” mean something? Maybe it does at the time one feels like a “Leader” and when one doesn’t feel like a “leader” it means nothing.